Here’s My Story
London 2017….
….I locked myself in the work toilet cubicle, trying to hide the emotions of self-hatred bubbling up inside me after a long day of studio fittings where the mirror was unavoidable. Each time I saw a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror (which is hard to escape when you work in a fashion studio) shame ran through my body. I sat on the toilet, squeezing the rolls on my stomach, a tear rolling down my cheek, wishing I could cut them away.
I was consumed by my self-conscious behaviour, calorie counting, exercise and was terrified of food in fear of gaining weight. Each day I told myself it would be different. But each day the same thought loops and behaviours would happen.
I barely recognised myself.
A toxic relationship 4 years earlier had left me feeling like a hollow shell with a deep confusion around who I really was, filling the emptiness I felt with food which became a tortuous bingeing and purging cycle.
I was totally disconnected from my body.
I was living a life which I thought I should be living.
Doing the things that I thought I should be doing.
Living the societal ‘tick box’ life.
Holding the belief that only people who have ‘made’ it live in London.
How narrow minded.
It was a life created through our societal lens vs one of my Soul's calling which left me in a miserable dark hole.
I was a tremendous people pleaser, workaholic, and a master at pushing pain further and further down which only led to darker places; depression, anxiety, stomach issues and horrendously painful eczema that covered my face, neck and arms. I was so ashamed and embarrassed of myself that I hid away, living for the weekends where I would often become an unsightly mess in my attempt to escape reality. And the cycle continued…
Then one day the glasses cracked.
The pain became too much to numb and hold in any longer.
I couldn’t keep lying to myself hoping one day I would wake up better.
I couldn’t keep running on the hamster wheel to no-where.
Yes, my career as a pattern cutter was excelling.
But I was not.
In divine desperation to find a new way that my heart and Soul knew existed, I booked a one way ticket to Bali to do a yoga teacher training - “that will fix things” I thought.
I quit my high end fashion job, but in doing so, something terrifying started to emerge from within me. I realised I had used my job that I was very good at as my confidence crutch. Now not having that to hide behind I felt like nothing. Like a no-one with no confidence in myself whatsoever. The earth beneath my feet was crumbling deeper and I realised I actually had no idea who I was. I prayed for a day where things would be different. Where my thoughts and energy wouldn’t be controlled by the despise I had for myself and that my life wouldn't revolve around my unhealthy relationship with food. All I wanted was to find my feet as a human being.
Upon arrival in Bali, I collapsed on the floor of the yoga studio and tears began to uncontrollably roll down my face as the years of unexpressed emotions and pain started to rise.
For the first time I could see how awfully I had treated myself and my body.
I abused it.
I shamed it.
I hated it.
It had been crying out for help for so long but I had been ignoring it which evoked a deeper grief around our loss of connection.
From there, I began weaving myself back to life; living in different countries, experiencing different cultures, observing different perspectives, and most importantly gathering different teachers and mentors (within the fields of yoga, Ayurveda, Spirituality and Hypnosis) who helped me understand and discover the complexity of what it means to be human.
Through this, I learnt how to connect to my body and emotions which opened up a profound channel of wisdom within me. My body began to guide me in unravelling and releasing the pain and trauma I had been holding onto for far too long which showed me how we all have a latent healer within, it just needs activating.
Years later, whilst sitting in my sun lit living room during my somatic attachment training, it began to click. The intuitive nudges of my body had shown me the exact tools we were studying professionally; of course, they’ve been used for centuries and the whispers I had felt was the infinite wisdom of my body and intuition guiding me to practices it knew it needed and would work.
What happened from there was the miracle I had been praying for for years. In moments of distress with my family, where old patterns would lead me to engulfing family size bars of chocolate, tears streaming and skin inflamed with eczema there was calmness, like that of a still lake. Instead of being lost in the tornado of emotions which would lead to weeks of feeling low, depressed and covered in eczema, I was able to surrender to the emotion and observe what was happening within me. And from that place attend to the parts of myself that needed loving care and attention. This gave me the freedom I had so deeply desired - freedom to not be controlled by food, freedom to navigate my emotions with ease and freedom in my skin by deactivating the inflammation that had been a consistent battle throughout my life.
I began to know myself and trust myself for the first time; a truly empowering experience. The impulses for bingeing and purging reduced till they stopped all together. I reclaimed my energy which could now be channelled towards discovering my life's purpose (Dharma). I felt like I had finally cracked the code to life and won. I had figured out what life's special sauce was and was now able to experience a fulfilling embodied life full of self love and appreciation; something that I ceased to know existed before.
When hard times hit (which are inevitable), whether that be with family, work or in my personal and intimate relationships, I am able to navigate the challenges with grace and integrity, supporting my body through the process, seeing each challenge as a golden opportunity for transformation and growth; a liberating perspective to be able to stand from allowing an abundance of opportunity. Being the creator of my life, health and wealth feels powerful and fulfilling. By taking the reins, I am able to step deeper into my potential, away from the conditioned small self and into my True expansive Self where anything is possible and I get to experience connection, pleasure, play and fulfilment from being me. And I desire the same for you.
From this space, the Soul Weaver was born - here to support multi talented passionate humans become deeply connected to themselves, their body and Soul, finding empowerment in physical, mental and emotional limitations so they can live healthy, connected, fulfilling lives, being the creator of their dreams and reality and uncovering the Self-led Healer that already lies inside of them.
This is your invitation to become your own Self-led Healer. Because when you take that leap of faith inside of yourself, you will discover over and over again that the answers to your health, joy and freedom are within you, not outside of you. And in discovering this you pave your own unique path - the one that is designed for you and the one that will bring you unlimited health, happiness, joy and fulfilment because it is led by your heart and Soul.
Academia.
2023 - Trauma Informed Somatic Attachment Therapy, Embody Lab.
2022 - Spiritual Hypnosis Practitioner Training, Restorative Hypnosis.
2019 - 500HR Health Consultant, Mastering Ayurvedic Digestion and Nutrition, Joyful Belly.
2017 - 200HR Yoga Teacher Training, Blissology.
2012 - BA Hons Fashion Design, Nottingham Trent.
